Into the Wilderness
A Thing You Must Not Do
It is possible to drown out the groans of your soul and the voice of God by only achieving a little more, and a little more, and a little more, and a little… Always, and only — a little. A little — when life is done, only a little. You got away from your heart, and you died with a little.
A little something to call your own. A little something for people to call you by. A little something for your name to be remembered by before it is quickly forgotten, before you are swallowed by the void that swallows everyone.
And you must not do that. The groans of your soul and the voice of God are begging you not to.
The Call of the Wild
There is a secret thread attached to every soul, pulling us toward the sacred center — the place where love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control grow like fruit on the vine of a tree planted in just the right place at just the right time. It’s where the milk of life flows into the desert marrow of our ragdoll bones.
It’s the only place anyone can really live — but oh, the wilderness is hard to survive. It’s an oasis whose water is too refreshing. It’s a lush pasture that feels like sleeping on rocks. It feels like showing up at rehab.
Like the proverbial call to a hero beginning his or her journey, the fear of it repels us before it draws us in. Only, when we are called to the wilderness, we are not answering a call to be a hero — but answering a call to be saved.
The Place where Dark Thoughts May Come in
In the wilderness, there is silence. Emptiness. Nothing but you and God and the wind. Thoughts and emotions you’ve never processed come to the fore, ready for their turn. And the darkness crushes you.
Sometimes, it last for more than a few minutes. There are seasons of darkness where a person wrestles with God in the wilderness for months or years. Disciples of Jesus have often called this experience “the dark night of the soul.” But if we want meaning and joy, we must go to the wilderness. We must not attempt to get around our thoughts and feelings, but face them for what they are, willing to look them in the face — to be exposed to the darkness.
The Place Where Tears May Flow
And in the darkness, the voice of lament will rise. We do not go the wilderness to get away from the disappointments of life but to be honest about them, to let them touch our lips and moisten our eyes, to fall to the ground as great tears.
The ground of the wilderness is ready to absorb them; they will nourish a volunteer garden.
The Place where God Meets Us
The wilderness is the place where we get away from everything. It’s the place where we become honest with ourselves — and more importantly, honest with God.
In the wilderness, there is torment. Every person carries psychic pain that screams to be silenced, but silencing inner pain is only possible at great cost.
Honesty is painful. Silence is painful. But it’s the place where God meets us. It’s the place where the disappointments of life can be accepted in faith that God will make all things new in the end. Our anxious toil will never do that.
